little dark girl with kind eyes when it comes time to use the knife I won’t flinch and I won’t blame you, as I drive along the shore alone as the palms wave, the ugly heavy palms, as the living does not arrive as the dead do not leave, I won’t blame you, instead I will remember the kisses our lips raw with love and how you gave me everything you had and how I offered you what was left of me, and I will remember your small room the feel of you the light in the window your records your books our morning coffee our noons our nights our bodies spilled together sleeping the tiny flowing currents immediate and forever your leg my leg your arm my arm your smile and the warmth of you who made me laugh again. little dark girl with kind eyes you have no knife. the knife is mine and I won’t use it yet.

You will fall in love with someone who annoys you, whose orgasm face looks and feels pathetic. Despite all of this, there’s something keeping you drawn to them, something that makes you want to protect them from the harsh world. What you fail to realize, however, is that you are the harsh world. You aren’t their noble protector — you are someone to be protected from but it takes a lot of dates, a lot of nights where you question whether or not you are actually a good person, for this to ever resonate with you. When it’s over and whatever love is left is put back in the fridge like a sad plate of leftovers, you will finally understand that you have the power to hurt someone. You can either hurt them or love them and it’s up to you to decide what kind of role you would like to take on in future relationships. What feels more comfortable — being the one who loves more or being the one who’s loved less?

I didn’t know her dying would somehow

be the first concrete evidence

that time is something real

and completely uncontrollable.

I didn’t understand that

her trip up to heaven would also

mean staring 19 years right in the face

and confirming in a deeper way that, yes, everything ends.

It’s not that I wanted to exchange you for someone else.

I never tried to fit someone else’s form into the imprint you left,

never even wanted to cut you out per se;

I just panicked because I didn’t know who I was becoming

and didn’t know what to do and felt too choked,

too dried out to even categorize my feelings

and try to articulate them respectfully.

We fought dirty so I played dirty, I’m sorry.